OPEN LETTERS TO GOD

Dear Lord, Please send me another muse. Mine ran away and I can't find her. Mommy says the folks at the milk company won't put her picture on a carton and the people at the newspaper just laughed at me. I put up pictures on the telephone poles, but I can't draw so well so everyone thinks she's a dog or cat. I only got one phone call, and the man on the other end wanted me to come over to his house to see if it was her, but when I told him that Mommy told me never to go over to strangers' houses, he started calling me Dick (or something like that). So, Lord, please send me another muse.

Dear Lord, Please send me another muse. The one you sent is way too pushy. She keeps making me write stuff during math and science class and Mr. Henderson says he's going to have to call my parents if my grades get any worse. Yeah, so my English grades are pretty good, but who cares about English anymore? Just the other day during recess, the guys were all playing basketball and she kept making me sit on the bench and write poems. Then a gust of wind came up and blew one of them right to Suzy Radisson who ran off and showed all the girls in homeroom class. Now my life is totally ruined. So, Lord, please, PLEASE send me another muse.

Dear Lord, Please send me another muse. The last one you sent is broken. She gave me this good idea for a story, but when I got halfway into it, she gave me an even better idea, so I dropped the first one and started on the second. Then just as I got going on the second one, she sends me an even BETTER idea, one so good that I just couldn't NOT get started on it. And then when I'm almost finished with it, she comes up the absolute BEST idea I've ever gotten. I mean, this one was so good that I looked back on all the others and saw how truly awful they were in comparison. I mean, that old stuff was absolute garbage compared to this new one I started on. So I threw all the old ones away, figuring I'd never finish them anyway. Then halfway through writing this great idea, I saw a movie that came out with almost the exact same idea as the one she gave me first a long time ago. It made a hundred million dollars. Lord, please, send me another muse. Preferably one with fewer good ideas.

Dear Lord, Please send me another muse. I've come to the conclusion that this one is just too damned lazy. I've got all these great ideas for screenplays and novels that'll have me set for life and all she wants to do is play Freecell on the computer and hobnob on message boards. Yeah, OK, so she's got a 90% rate on Freecell and I'm a pretty popular guy online, but dammit, that's not going to make me any money! After four years of this shit, I got desperate and changed my screenname in the hopes that it would embarrass her into getting off her lazy ass. But that's not fucking working either!!!! So, please send me another muse (and sorry about the profanity, but I'm really pissed!).

Dear Lord, Please send me another muse. This one has me writing porno on the Internet. I know I've read and liked porno before, but never thought I'd be writing it. And it's not even nice porno, it's mean and nasty porno about mean and nasty people doing mean and nasty things. I mean, what if my mother finds out? Especially if she reads the one about the guy seducing his mother?! What would she think? I mean, I've never, ever had those kinds of thoughts. Well, OK, maybe once or twice when I saw her taking a shower. And then when I went through her underwear drawer and found her vibrator and that issue of Penthouse Forum. It made me want to go into my room and take off my clothes and... SEE, LORD, SHE'S DOING IT AGAIN!!!!!! Please, Lord, send me another muse.